EDITORIAL: Grab Your Umbrella And Air Freshener: Data Network Affiliates’ Vomit Spigot Wide Open And Raining Down On World Of MLM

EDITOR’S NOTE: Readers with queasy tummies are duly cautioned that this post is on the subject of MLM vomit. No, the troops aren’t packaging and selling regurgitated stomach juice and chunky bits that pay commissions 10 levels deep — at least not yet. This post discusses MLM advertising vomit as practiced by Data Network Affiliates, which has declared that a mysterious practitioner known as “Mr P” is promoting the “D.N.A. 1000 Team.” Mr. P is said to be a “19 Time Million Dollar Earner” who “Holds Every MLM World Recruiting Record.”

Here, now, our take on the vomitous pitch . . .

Incoming! If you are a member of Data Network Affiliates (DNA), you have a duty to grab your umbrellas, air freshener and garden hose and warn your downline to do the same. It has become clear that the company has turned its vomit spigot wide open.

Yesterday’s vomit attack followed on the heels of a vomitous flurry late last month that prompted members to imagine themselves racking up 10,000 miles while recording license-plate data for the company.

“Imagine driving 10,000 miles for your DNA Business = up to a $5,000 Tax Deduction,” DNA prompted members in May.

If you are a member of DNA — and if you are a multilevel-marketing (MLM) aficionado or one of the industry’s so-called servant-leaders — you have a duty to warn all potential prospects to be prepared for sustained email vomit attacks. Advise them that, if they intend to open the emails, to make sure the laptop on their home-office network works outdoors.

Under no circumstances should DNA emails be opened indoors. The vomit they project can damage your carpeting, furniture, curtains and fixtures, all while stinking up the inside of your home, perhaps forever. Remember: A stink-removal crew is expensive, and there’s no guarantee the stench will fully dissipate. You could awaken in the middle of the night six years from now, take a sniff and again reach the horrifying conclusion that, yep, its still there.

Important: Open DNA’s emails only outdoors. The initial burst of pressure from the vomit will be sufficient to pump it on an arc away from your laptop, and your laptop’s built-in vomit seal will protect it from damage. The seal will close instantly when it senses a temperature drop in the the hot-air belch that accompanies the vomit, thus protecting your computer from drips and embarrassing streaks from run-off.

Open the emails quickly and step back. Be prepared: It may take up to three minutes for the vomit to stop gushing. Have the umbrella at the ready in case you were unable to step back quickly enough and got caught in the vomit storm.

After the storm subsides, use the garden hose to clear the umbrella of both liquid and chunky vomit. Apply the air freshener liberally to the umbrella. Let it dry. Repeat the process as necessary or buy dollar-store, disposable umbrellas in bulk. Hint: A dollar store also is a great place to buy air freshener in bulk.

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