Birds killed as a result of oil from the Exxon Valdez spill. Photo courtesy of the Exxon Valdez Oil Spill Trustee Council. Source: Wikimedia Commons.

Ain’t no one who does it quite like The Salty Droid, the fake-robot Blogger who sometimes curses like a [bleeping] longshoreman as he goes about the business of sucking the wind out of the sails of some nihilistic Internet marketing ships and their fantastically reckless captains.

Like Capt. Frank [“Bleeping”] Kern of “Syndicate” infamy, for instance.

Capt. Kern is a world-class [bleep]. If you’re out on the {Interwebs} searching for your own personal spoon-bender because generations of hucksters have conditioned your mind to tell you that individual spoon-bending kits and/or be-like-me pep talks costing thousands of dollars {and priced at your available credit limit} will help you amass more shoes than Imelda Marcos and free your inner millionaire, let us propose a mind game to counter the Syndicate mind game and keep you safely away from the noxious and tar-carrying IM tides.

Mind-Gaming The Mind-Gamers

We propose that you imagine this: You are a bird; Capt. Kern : : at the helm of his wretched IM hulk thousands of miles away at sea : : is unloosing an oil spill that’s going to float to your birdie habitat, suffocate you in poisonous flotsam and cause a photo of your lifeless birdie carcass to appear on the cover of National [Bleeping] Geographic.

With your grieving and inconsolable birdie family speculating about the type of pocket-picking evil that it surely took to cause you to die covered with tar, broke and in debt, the lawyer for your birdie estate will have to address the $40,000 {pick a number} you still owe {Local Or National Bank X} because you pooled the available lines on your credit cards or spent down your cash or cash equivalents to pay Capt. Kern.

Saying No To The IM Oil Spills

Stephen Pierce, who operates an IM scow called Stephen Pierce International Inc., is a Kern-like captain of the IM seas. Pierce’s Kern-like oil spill is oozing toward shorelines and towns near you.

Living inland won’t protect you. Neither will living on a steep hill or even up in the Rockies. Ain’t no mountain high enough to dam the Pierce IM oil spill : : thanks to the {Interwebs}, which is sort of infamous for making the peeps {human kind} believe they can pay $10,000 {or more} to become the next Imelda Marcos.

Or the next Capt. Frank Kern or Capt. Stephen Pierce.

You can save yourself a lot of heartache by picturing yourself as a tar-covered bird on the cover of National [Bleeping] Geographic.

Chilling The Critics

Stephen Pierce apparently believes it prudent to chill the peeps {human kind} who turn to the {Interwebs} to let other peeps {human kind} know his oil spill has reached their towns. Pierce does this apparently by taking some of his monies gleaned on the {Interwebs} and dangling it in front of [bleeping] lawyers.

Yep, Stephen [Bleeping] Pierce sues the tar-covered peeps {human kind}. It is repugnant. It is dastardly. It is the worst [bleeping] [bleep].

And Stephen [Bleeping] Pierce has tasked lawyers from Vorys Sater Seymour and Pease to go after the peeps {human kind}.

Here’s how peeps {human kind} covered with Pierce tar can say no to his IM oil spill.