FANTASY POST: CLAIM: MLMHelpDesk Blogger Troy Dooly Outed As Curt Gowdy, ‘The Unknown Comic’ And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a fantasy post. The story below is not real. See additional Note at the bottom.

MIRAMAR BEACH, FLA. (PP BLOG, JUNE 1) — A lawyer has made spectacular claims that dental records and eyewitness testimony will prove famed MLMHelpDesk Blogger Troy Dooly is leading “at least” a quadruple life that he has not disclosed to his millions of readers and viewers.

Not only is Troy Dooly Troy Dooly, the lawyer says, he’s also Curt Gowdy, “The Unknown Comic” and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

And there is growing concern, the lawyer says, that Dooly “simply isn’t a gaggle of ‘nice guys.’ Our crack investigative team led by Anthony Pellicano is developing information that he’s also Don Rickles and D.L. Hughley.”

The lawyer, Ginger Mary Ann of Gilligan Grumby Howell Lovey & Hinkley PLLC of Hollywood, told the PP Blog that famed Boston attorney Denny Crane will testify that Dooly is Gowdy, the former voice of the Boston Red Sox and the host of “The American Sportsman.”

Reached for comment by the PP Blog, Crane said, “Denny Crane saw it with Denny Crane’s own two eyes. Denny Crane was watching the radio booth at Fenway Park with binoculars in the fourth inning of the first game of a doubleheader against the Kansas City A’s on July 27, 1965. It was then Denny Crane saw Gowdy morphing from Gowdy into Dooly, and back into Gowdy. Even delightfully drunk on single-malt Scotch whisky as Denny Crane was at the time, Denny Crane would not forget something like that. And fabrication is simply out of the question for Denny Crane.”

Meanwhile, Mary Ann said Chuck Barris, the former host of “The Gong Show,” a former CIA operative and Crane’s onetime client, would testify that Barris, in 1977, playfully lifted up the paper bag that kept the identity of “The Unknown Comic” secret.

Barris, privy to the identity of “The Unknown Comic” and expecting to see TV funnyman Murray Langston, instead was horrified to see Dooly, Mary Ann said.

“Troy Dooly of MLMHelpDesk not only is ‘The Unknown Comic,’ he also is Murray Langston!” Barris told the PP Blog.

Mary Ann insisted the story was true. Crane declined to comment on Barris’s purportedly shocking encounter with Dooly.

“Denny Crane has nothing to say right now about that,” he said. “Do you feel better now that you’ve talked to Denny Crane? I’m thinking that Denny Crane just made your career.”

Although Mary Ann declined to identify the source who would out Dooly as Abdul-Jabbar, the NBA great and Time magazine columnist, the PP Blog has learned it is Col. Nathan Jessup, accused of perjury in a 1992 case that involved the hazing a fellow U.S. Marine.

Jessup, a Jack Nicholson lookalike, now stands accused in Los Angeles County of breaking into Nicholson’s home last year, stealing the Ocsar-winning actor’s courtside tickets to Lakers’ games and scalping them on eBay.

“The cops told me that Jessup told the FBI that Kareem was going up for a sky hook in 1986 and briefly morphed into this fellow Dooly,” Nicholson told the PP Blog. “I’ve seen Kareem take thousands of shots. He never morphed into anybody. Ask anybody in Hollywood: They’ll tell you Nathan Jessup is a kook who’s made a career out of skimming my identity. He used to do supermarket openings as me, for [heaven’s] sake. My agent found out, and kicked his [freaking] [butt] the whole way back to San Quentin.”

Dooly’s Response

Dooly told the PP Blog he was “too busy to talk at the moment,” and referred questions to Kevin Thompson, his attorney.

“No disrespect, Patrick. I’m up here in Washington, interviewing job candidates outside the revolving floor,” Dooly said, accidentally saying “floor” when he meant “door.”

“Most of us have noticed the revolving floor seems to be working for Herbalife during the FTC probe,” he observed, repeating the same mistake. “I mean, they have a heap of former politicians, aides and agency officials on the payroll now. More and more of us are doing the same thing. We’re calling it, ‘Getting Herbalife Strong.'”

Thompson, of Thompson Burton PLLC of Nashville, said the claims against his client are “bizarre and absurd.”

For starters, Thompson said, “Mr. Gowdy, a great American broadcaster and sportsman, unfortunately died in 2006. Wouldn’t this mean that Troy would have to be dead? And how could Troy be Curt Gowdy, who was born in 1919? Mr Gowdy was 86 when he passed away nine years ago. Troy is more than three decades younger.”

As for the claim Dooly is “The Unknown Comic,” Thompson said that wasn’t true, either.

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“Anybody who knows Troy knows that he’s only unintentionally funny,” Thompson said. “Don’t get me wrong: Troy is funny as all get out, but it’s always unintentional. Malapropisms and such. Murray Langston, the real ‘Unknown Comic,’ had to be intentionally funny. Troy can’t be funny on cue. Plus, there’s the age thing again, like with Mr. Gowdy. Mr. Langston is much older than my client.”

No matter the source, the claim that Dooly is Abdul-Jabbar is “clearly a mushroom-induced hallucination,” Thompson said.

“Let me mention the age thing again,” Thompson weighed in. “Mr. Abdul-Jabbar is 68. Troy won’t be that for nearly another two decades.

“But there’s something even more obvious,” Thompson continued. “Mr. Abdul-Jabbar is 7 feet 2 inches tall; Troy is maybe 5-feet something. If Troy ever dunked, it was with a Nerf ball on a Nerf backboard with a low rim in the backyard or at the beach. And let me assure you Troy can’t go to his right on any basketball court, regulation or Nerf. A sky hook is simply out of the question for Troy.”

The claim that Dooly might be Don Rickles and D.L. Hughley was “exceptionally irritating” to his client, Thompson said.

“Troy Dooly, a former Marine, is all about the First Amendment,” Thompson said. “Troy is well aware that ‘insult comics’ draw a crowd by saying things that make the audience feel ill-at-ease. In fact, my client was at a convention in Las Vegas and went to see Rickles perform. Rickles picked Troy out of the crowd and told the crowd it was nice to see “Governor Cueball” in the room.

“Can I get you some wax to put a shine on that thing?” Rickles asked Troy.

Dooly, his lawyer said, suspects that any “dental records” that surface and purport to show that Dooly, Gowdy, “The Unknown Comic” and Abdul-Jabbar are one and the same will be the “result of a series of burglaries, with the ‘evidence’ further doctored by Photoshop.”

Thompson confessed some frustration with the state of MLM and the Internet.

“You can bet that some MLMers will ignore all of the irrefutable evidence in favor of Troy and cling to some bizarre conspiracy theory,” Thompson ventured. “My guess is that they’ll say that Troy never has been seen standing side by side in the same room with any of the other three men. And they’ll deduce from that Troy necessarily must be the three other men in addition to himself and therefore is living a quadruple life.

“Doesn’t anybody read Wikipedia any more?” he asked. “Does anybody do any cursory fact-checking before they start spreading around this garbage?”

NOTE: Inspired by this column at MLM HelpDesk and this one at BehindMLM.com. # # #

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Visit Wikipedia to look up information on:

Curt Gowdy.

“The Unknown Comic” (Murray Langston).

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Anthony Pellicano.

“Denny Crane.”

“Boston Legal.”

“Gilligan’s Island.”

Don Rickles.

D.L. Hughley.

“Insult Comedy.”

Chuck Barris.

“The Gong Show.”

“Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.”

Single-malt Scotch.

Fenway Park.

Boston Red Sox.

“The American Sportsman.”

“A Few Good Men”/”Col. Nathan Jessup.”

Visit Kevin Thompson’s Blog.